Mahamaya-The Great Illusionist
From silent darkness a melodious voice plays
To the tune of this melody, the smitten man sways
He tries hard to search, search for the sound
Try as hard he may, she won’t be found
“The search is worth the find”, he says and proceeds
Deceit to this man is what Mahamaya feeds
Just for a moment she reveals her seducing face
Struck by the beauty, towards her he begins to race
Reaching finally, he touches her
Just to realize, it’s a sculpture
Deceived and heart broken the man cries
Another victim to Mahamaya’s lies
But she won’t stop at this, not such little pain
So before the man she appears again
Her beautiful hands toy with his face
Alive again, the man’s heart starts to race
A pleasure sets in like never before
As time flies by he asks for more
The climax approaches this lovely art
But not as expected-a knife in his heart
Making it a slow death, she wants him to see
What kind of a devil blind lust can be
He falls to the ground, for death he’s set
No pain, no guilt, in her heart no regret
To this day she deceives every lusty one
Their pain to her, means only fun.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, I’m Roon, I really liked your poem, I thought it flowed really well, and the message was put across really well. A few nitpicks though:
To me saying melodious and melody in such close proximity, isn’t good. I don’t know what else you could use instead, but I’m sure you could think of something!
To me this line doesn’t flow very well, I don’t know why, perhaps you could try rewording it? Anyway, it’s just my opinion.
I’m sure why, but I don’t like this line. Is the man supposed to be the climax? It just doesn’t work for me.
This rhyme is clearly forced, it doesn’t sound right, I don’t really know what you should put, but, personally, I don’t think it’s this.
However, through most of the poem, the flow and rhyme is very good. I like the story to it, and I like your use of language. For the most part, this poem is fantastic, the changes I’ve suggested aren’t too big, I really like this poem! Keep writing and let me know if you post anything else!
~ Roon